Trump grants journalists freedom to bask in his divine presence

In a historic act of angelic generosity, President Donald Trump graciously granted America’s journalists the privilege of worshiping at his feet on Sunday, March 9. While this necessary shift in media relations was long overdue, the White House acknowledges that some reporters may need a little time to fully adjust — but never fear! The administration announced a series of forthcoming renovations in the press briefing room to expedite their assimilation.

“It’s about respect,” Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt declared, standing behind her new 24 karat gold podium. “For too long, satanic news outlets have deluded themselves into thinking they can just blab whatever the hell they want. Like, sure, we all know that these people are from hell. But up here, the devil’s gotta be put in his place.” Stepping aside, Leavitt’s silky robes began billowing in a mysterious heavenly breeze — one generated by the vigorous hand-fan waving of a hunched-over, curtain-hid and sweat-drenched Rudy Giuliani.

Leavitt’s comments, understandably, left many asking: “Where is the right place for the devil?” Confession booths, of course — these little revamped mall photo boxes now found throughout the West Wing. A lot of people, great people, loads of them — who we love — are saying it’s the least President Trump could do for such absolute earth-scum. So-called journalists can now repent any “sinful” coverage and stupid questions. What’s more? Each repentance, while not heard by an ordained priest, will be recorded for immediate release on the social media platform X, where thousands of accounts like @legitpriestdude are encouraged to leverage death threats.

In addition, the briefing room’s been fitted with new cathedral glass windows depicting the president’s most breathtaking feats. One panel captures the moment Trump caught a speeding bullet before it dared graze his immaculate chiseled physique. Another portrays Mount Rushmore, where God Himself is handing Trump a stone tablet radiantly inscribed with “Gulf of America.” Directly behind the podium, our Christ-like commander in chief places a benevolent hand upon one wrongly persecuted patriot’s shoulder, whispering, “You’re very special.”

None, however, compares with a particular pièce de résistance: kneeling down, our president cups his hands, transforming torrents of liberal tears into a deep, full-bodied merlot. “The art is just beautiful,” Trump remarked. "So many tears. So much wine. We’re actually thinking of bottling it. Great vintage.”

The White House made it clear on Monday: reporters continuing to spread “the nasty” despite these purifying measures will be escorted to the Magataur’s Dungeon — a little-known but heavily fortified labyrinth beneath Mar-a-Lago. There, disgraced journalists must spend eternity reconsidering life choices while being chased by a three-horned, pronoun-less beast once thought to carry rabies. Though, a new Centers for Disease Control and Prevention policy under Health and Human Services Secretary RFK Jr. dictates that the infection can really only exist in rabid babies.